There is sure another flood toward

Jaques
There is sure another flood toward, and these
couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair of
very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called fools.
Touchstone
Salutation and greeting to you all.
Jaques, to Duke
Good my lord, bid him welcome.
This is the motley-minded gentleman that I have so
often met in the forest. He hath been a courtier, he swears.
Touchstone
If any man doubt that, let him put me to
my purgation. I have trod a measure. I have flattered
a lady. I have been politic with my friend,
smooth with mine enemy. I have undone three
tailors. I have had four quarrels, and like to have
fought one.

He uses his folly like a stalking-horse,
and under the presentation of that he shoots his wit.

Jaques
And how was that ta’en up?
Touchstone
Faith, we met and found the quarrel was
upon the seventh cause.
Jaques
How “seventh cause”?—Good my lord, like
this fellow.
Duke Senior
I like him very well.
Touchstone
God ’ild you, sir. I desire you of the like. I
press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country
copulatives, to swear and to forswear, according as
marriage binds and blood breaks. A poor virgin, sir,
an ill-favored thing, sir, but mine own. A poor
humor of mine, sir, to take that that no man else
will. Rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a poor
house, as your pearl in your foul oyster.
Duke Senior
By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.
Touchstone
According to the fool’s bolt, sir, and such
dulcet diseases.
Jaques
But for the seventh cause. How did you find the
quarrel on the seventh cause?
Touchstone
Upon a lie seven times removed.—Bear
your body more seeming, Audrey.—As thus, sir: I
did dislike the cut of a certain courtier’s beard. He
sent me word if I said his beard was not cut well, he
was in the mind it was. This is called “the retort
courteous.” If I sent him word again it was not well
cut, he would send me word he cut it to please
himself. This is called “the quip modest.” If again it
was not well cut, he disabled my judgment. This is
called “the reply churlish.” If again it was not well
cut, he would answer I spake not true. This is called
“the reproof valiant.” If again it was not well cut, he
would say I lie. This is called “the countercheck
quarrelsome,” and so to “ the  lie circumstantial,”
and “the lie direct.”
Jaques
And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?
Touchstone
I durst go no further than the lie circumstantial,
nor he durst not give me the lie direct, and
so we measured swords and parted.
Jaques
Can you nominate in order now the degrees of
the lie?
Touchstone
O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book, as
you have books for good manners. I will name you
the degrees: the first, “the retort courteous”; the
second, “the quip modest”; the third, “the reply
churlish”; the fourth, “the reproof valiant”; the
fifth, “the countercheck quarrelsome”; the sixth,
“the lie with circumstance”; the seventh, “the lie
direct.” All these you may avoid but the lie direct,
and you may avoid that too with an “if.” I knew
when seven justices could not take up a quarrel, but
when the parties were met themselves, one of them
thought but of an “if,” as: “If you said so, then I said
so.” And they shook hands and swore brothers.
Your “if” is the only peacemaker: much virtue in “if.”
Jaques, to Duke
Is not this a rare fellow, my lord?
He’s as good at anything and yet a fool.
Duke Senior
He uses his folly like a stalking-horse,
and under the presentation of that he shoots his wit.